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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25030609">Let me carry your pain</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/OlisDrabbles/pseuds/OlisDrabbles'>OlisDrabbles</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Merlin (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Boys In Love, Canon Era, Episode: s05e12 The Diamond of the Day, Episode: s05e12-13 The Diamond of the Day, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Idiots in Love, M/M, Magic Revealed, Merlin's Magic Revealed (Merlin), POV Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 08:15:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,817</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25030609</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/OlisDrabbles/pseuds/OlisDrabbles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"i always thought you were the bravest man i'd ever met" scene rewritten</p><p>What if Arthur noticed how devastated Merlin looked?<br/>What if he asked him what was really going on?<br/>What if Merlin for once decided to be honest?<br/>What if Arthur understood?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Merlin &amp; Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>62</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>593</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Let me carry your pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Helloo i'm back because a lovely friend of mine asked me to write this and brought this pain upon me because i posted these two things on twitter:</p><p>https://twitter.com/oliviathedaddy/status/1278293419165732866?s=19<br/>https://twitter.com/oliviathedaddy/status/1278341516973539330?s=19</p><p>and so,,,, here you go! enjoy &lt;3 i wrote this in like 3 hourskshsk</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I think you'll find that's everything, sire.” Merlin spoke as Arthur scanned over all the polished armour and weapons. It looked as good as new, which directly sent off a red flag in Arthur’s head and he knew something was going on. Merlin never did this part of his job properly, or any part of his job actually. Well, he could be quite entertaining sometimes, he'll give him that.</p><p>“Impressive, very impressive. I've never seen work like it, well- not from you anyway.” Arthur remarked, pulling out that sweet laugh Merlin always did, but it sounded off. He wanted to ask what was wrong, but decided against it. “Thank you, sire.” Merlin said with that fondness in his voice, but there was something else damn it. Something hiding underneath the fake layers of content and amusement. He could feel it. Maybe he just wanted something. That would explain why he did his job perfectly all of a sudden.</p><p>“So, what are you after?” Arthur asked, walking off to fetch his map, just to look at it some more, be prepared for what was inevitably coming.</p><p>“After?”</p><p>“Come on, Merlin, you’re the worst servant in the history of the world now suddenly this. Is it money?”</p><p>“...No.” Came back the barely audible voice. It made Arthur instantly regret asking, and yet he still continued talking because he could never just zip it. Not for the life of him.</p><p>“No, it can't be that, you've already won all of mine. Time off?”</p><p>“Arthur-"</p><p>“No, it can’t be that either, you don't, really... do anything.” Arthur hummed, looking down at the map and finding himself staring at Camlann for longer than necessary. He wasn't nervous, of course not. Kings don't get nervous. But... well.</p><p>“I just wanted to make sure you had all you needed for your journey to Camlann. For the days ahead.” Merlin said, and that's when Arthur's brain short-circuited, getting stuck on one word only. He paused for a moment, looking up at Merlin with furrowed brows. He was thrown off. <em>Your</em> journey?</p><p>“Thank you- Merlin, what do you mean <em>my</em> journey?” Arthur asked, confused and worried and panicked all at the same time. The question alone seemed to crumble whatever ability to look fine Merlin had left inside him. He watched his servant as he swallowed and tried to let out the words.</p><p>“I'm afraid I won't be coming with you.” Arthur's heart dropped, all the way down to the bottom of the pit he suddenly felt deep in his stomach. “...Not this time. ...I’m sorry.”</p><p>Arthur didn't understand. Why wouldn't Merlin come? Why wouldn't Merlin spend what could possibly be the last moments of Arthur's life, by his side? Like he always has for the past 10 years. Merlin's been there with Arthur through everything. Thick and thin, hot and cold. He was there when his father died, staying up all night just to make sure Arthur wasn't alone. Sparing him some of those words he seemed to pull out of some well of wisdom he has hidden deep inside him when Arthur needed them. Holding him when Guinevere betrayed him, when his whole world felt like it was crashing around him. Merlin stayed, always the rock that kept him stable, kept his knees from shaking whenever the pressuring weight of the king's crown was placed on his head, reminding him of who he was. Merlin was his everything. He needed Merlin. He'd always need Merlin.</p><p>“...I have an urgent errand to run for Gaius-“ Oh, no. He was not going to lie to him in what could possibly be their final conversation.</p><p>“What is it really, Merlin?” Arthur cut him off, not wanting to listen to another pathetic excuse. He wanted the truth.</p><p>Merlin choked up, something inside him breaking. Arthur could almost feel it. He watched the way those beautiful azure eyes filled with tears that didn’t belong there, making them appear glassy. Arthur waited patiently, not wanting to pressure him. Merlin seemed to be fighting something inside his head, trying to decide what to say. Arthur couldn't help it. He tossed the map on the table and walked up to Merlin. He put his hands on his shoulders, unable to not notice how strong they felt, but setting it aside. “What’s going on, Merls?” Arthur whispered as his hands slid to the base of the man's neck, thumb rubbing at the soft skin by his throat. Merlin gasped for breath as a tear finally managed to escape his facade and reveal a little part of him. A little bit of the pain that clung to him like a disease. Arthur gently brushed it away and smiled. Just a small curve of his lips. Usually Arthur would tell him that whatever it was that was such a burden to him, it wasn't worth those precious tears. That Merlin deserved nothing but never-ending happiness, but Arthur's grown since the last time he told him that. He's experienced pain, real pain. The one that crushes you down to the ground and makes you lose yourself in the darkness. Makes you want to scream until your lungs give out and throat feels raw. He knows exactly what that feels like, and he knows it's even worse to keep it buried down. He would never wish that upon anyone, least of all Merlin. Sweet, precious Merlin. “Tell me.” Arthur whispered, watching his servant lower his head in shame.</p><p>“I can’t protect you.” Merlin finally said, and the thought alone seemed to only intensify the pain weighing down his shoulders. Arthur sighed softly, slightly relieved that was all there was to it. He pulled Merlin to him, holding his head to his chest and threading his fingers through the thick black hair. “You don't need to protect me, Merlin.” He said softly, gently handling the younger man. Arthur knew Merlin cared a lot about him. He knew how stupidly loyal he was. There was no denying it. Merlin shook his head, though, his breathing quickening and a couple more tears spilling out as he worked himself up. “No, no- you don't understand.” He spoke desperately, “I need to be there. I need to protect you like I always have. I need to, Arthur, but I can't. I can’t.” Merlin's body shook violently under Arthur's arms, the man clinging to him like he was about to disappear. Like he'd lose him if he let go. Arthur decided denying him wouldn't help.</p><p>“Why can't you?” He asked quietly instead, looking down when Merlin suddenly quieted down, the tremble of his body relaxing only slightly. What was it that made Merlin like this? That brought him such immense pain? Arthur tightened his hold on the servant, feeling a surge of protectiveness wash over him just as Merlin spoke again. “Morgana." He whispered, instantly setting off something inside Arthur. Something both bitter and devastated, the feeling of betrayal that still felt like a fresh, open wound, spilling blood like tears. “What about her?” Arthur asked. He kept his voice calm, collected, but he knew Merlin could hear the pain bellow it.</p><p>“She took my- my- She took-" Merlin mumbled and Arthur pulled him back so he could look at him. He cupped his jaw and rubbed the strong, high cheek with his thumb. “What did she take, Merlin?” He asked and it took every ounce of self control not to cry when Merlin's face crumpled again, fresh tears falling. Arthur brought him closer, leaned their foreheads together and just kept rubbing the soft skin, trying his absolute best to make him feel better. Make him say it, let go of his burden or at least let Arthur carry it with him. Merlin always carried his pain, always held his heart so it wouldn't break. It was time to return the favour. Finally.</p><p>Arthur watched Merlin as he wept, something he hasn't properly seen since that Dragonlord, Balinor, died, since he usually preferred being alone. It was a heart-wrenching scene, to say the least. “Just trust me, Merlin.” Arthur whispered, and that seemed to cut the last string.</p><p>“I have magic.” Merlin whispered, and it was the last thing Arthur expected him to say. Yet somehow it didn't seem all that surprising at the same time. As usual, though, Arthur's head denied it. Denied the pain and betrayal until the very last second. “I- I mean I had magic, but- but she took it and. I can't protect you. I can't protect you and if I don't- if I don't then-" Merlin gasped for breath and let out something dangerously close to a sob. Tears ran down his soft cheeks as he stared at Arthur's stunned, confused expression. Merlin sobbed again, rushing back into his arms to cling to him and hide his face in his shoulder, ashamed. Of lying. Of being helpless. Of being who he was.</p><p>“I'm sorry, Arthur. I'm sorry, I’m so sorry. It's always been for you, I swear it. I swear on my life i would never do anything to betray you, but I had to protect you. All these years, I had to keep you safe. I couldn't let you die, Arthur. I love you, I love you so much, please don't hate me. Don't send me away-" He wept, sobbing and shaking as Arthur finally came to his senses, now shocked for a completely different reason. His eyes widened as he brought his arms up, holding Merlin tight and processing all the new information. Merlin gasped quietly as he felt Arthur return his embrace and hold him the way he's always wanted him to.</p><p>“It's okay,” Arthur whispered, though his voice was shaky. He wasn't sure which one of them he was convincing. Maybe both. “It's okay, Merls, I swear. You'll be alright. It's okay.” And maybe it was. He’s always known there was something Merlin wasn't telling him, that there was something he was hiding. Arthur always told himself he would accept whatever that was, because it was Merlin. And he will. He will accept whatever Merlin threw at him, because he was his best friend, the most loyal and the person he trusted more than anyone in the realm. Because he was simply Merlin, and Arthur loved him.</p><p>Arthur stayed there with Merlin until he calmed down and his body slumped, dried tears all over his cheeks. He was still holding onto Arthur, though his hold was much weaker now. Meanwhile, Arthur let himself just think as the silence passed. About the many things that could suddenly be explained, connected. To Merlin.</p><p>“I need to get my magic back. I need to protect you.” Merlin broke the silence, his quiet voice barely audible, but Arthur heard him. “Then that’s exactly what we shall do.” He replied, watching as Merlin lifted his head and eyed him.</p><p>“We?”</p><p>“Impeccable hearing skills, Merlin. That’s correct. <em>We</em>.”</p><p>“.....Clotpole.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Kudos and comments are much appreciated! Have a good day everyone &lt;3</p></blockquote></div></div>
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